Published by The Independent Newspaper
For most of us consummation is the peak of pleasure and devoutly to be wished. But many lovers are anxious they won’t measure up to their partner’s expectations. The worst cases of non-consummation end up in court because to this day no marriage is complete without full sexual intercourse. Consummation’s older meaning – surrendering virginity on your wedding night – has practically disappeared because “first sex in British marriage is now practically unknown” (1994 Welcome Survey). But what about your own consummation concerns? Have they entirely vanished? Tick your two likeliest answers to each question.
1. Through no major fault of your own, you remain a virgin until your middle 20s. Should you:
a) Take comfort because you’ve heard that a popular comedian made love for the first time aged 26?
b) Announce your predicament on a website?
c) Attract or hire a ‘surrogate’?
d) Listen to Lord Chesterfield who said: “the pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous and the expense damnable”?
2. Your new romantic friend proposes a first night of love. Do you:
a) Smile and sigh in pleasurable anticipation?
b) Consult the Internet to see if Viagra is effective for both sexes?
c) Call to mind your last intimacy fiasco?
d) Debate whether seven condoms could be considered greedy?
3. After nine dates in a month your heartthrob has only kissed you. Should you:
a) Fasten your clothing with Velcro so it can “accidentally” fall off?
b) Ask them how they believe human beings reproduce?
c) Telephone their last partner to find out if this is something of a pattern?
d) If they don’t want an orgasm, ask them to lie down while you have one?
4. Which of these consummation one-liners are attributed to real people?
a) “Now Maud, you know what has to be done”?
b) “Put it in…” “It is in…”?
c) “That was the greatest 30 seconds of my life”?
d) “I lie down on my bed, close my eyes, open my legs and think of England”?
5. Which first-time factors are important in assessing whether you two could have a future?
a) You both achieved climax?
b) You both enjoy listening to Beethoven during lovemaking?
c) You both like le vice anglais?
d) You always like the same perfumes?
1. a = 5 b = 0 c = 1 d = 2
2. a = 5 b = 1 c = 0 d = 5
3. a = 3 b = 3 c = 3 d = 5
4. a = 0 b = 0 c = 5 d = 5
5. a = 3 b = 4 c = 2 d = 5
12 – 24 Not quite up to speed with the programme. However, second times are usually far better so don’t take away any message of despair. There is no rule book about duration, position, sequence or friction burns.
25 – 34 You don’t take confidence for granted but wait until your partner appears equally keen – then you let rip.
35 – 44 You are a consummation expert and anyone should feel proud to appear in your all-time hall of fame.
Phillip Hodson is a Fellow of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy – www.bacp.co.uk
Copyright 2008 c Phillip Hodson